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There are times in life when things are just hard.

So many things I want and desire, yet so little time and really time is what I long for. I long for time to speed up and right now slow down all at the same point.

I long to sit upon a mountain and peering out on the glorious sights and have all the answers yet I currently relinquish in the facts that I do not know the answers and I enjoy not know the answers.

I am not sure which way to turn and yet I am already on a path. I know what I need to do but doing is hard my feet will not lift off the ground. I have inner struggles, wars with myself and yet It is peaceful.

It all makes sense and yet I feel crazed. I am free-falling yet I am the one who has jumped. I like the rush but only long to be on solid ground. I notice that I am and then I am not sure.

Moving forward to a destiny that I am supposed to follow and yet I know not what this is but am learning to enjoy the ride. I find the end does not matter as much as the current journey.

When things in my life have been rough I usually am numb absent and now I feel, I feel everything. I do not wish to feel but in feeling I know that I have grown and am capable of handling all of these feelings, where at once I would just have shut it all out not able to handle or deal with all the emotions.

I know that I must only recognize them not stay on one thought too long and let them free flow through me. Into space into the world and into bigger and greater things that myself am not capable of knowing all. Strangely enough I am ok with this.

I move forward or side ways but not backwards. I have come to far to turn back on any of this. I have entered growth and as much as I wish I have not I am thankful for not being stagnant, robotic in the ebb and flow of life.

I like that I can flow free like a river and carve my own path. I close into myself and yet I am open more now then ever. My heart aches and yet I embrace my little heart and tell it this is the pain of growth and release and feeling and knowing. Some things have a small price to pay.

I know that detoxing is a good thing and cleanses the soul creates a purity in the mind and in the body. The gut agrees because it only makes things stronger. And yet maybe the very thing I am tying to escape is only being made stronger by my avoidance of embrace.

So I look out I see I do not wear a mask, I am plain but I feel, I am alive, I smile, I am strong, I have the strength. I breath in fresh air and long for the mountains and the rivers and the crispness of a cool breeze whispering through the pines.

I am alive, I feel I am real. I love I loss, and in the end I embrace myself, I am me. And every so slowly I place one foot in front of the other.

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football tacklingYUP that is me #14

     Love of the game, love for the play, love for yourself and all in the name of how it is supposed to be.

Unsure, unsteady but walking solid. Knowing that everything is right in the way it is supposed to be, but this does not make it any easier.

Knowing is half the battle but what is it one can truly know, you learn and feel and grow.

Thoughts racing yet so focused putting one foot in front of another knowing it is right and feels right in the gut but so wrong to the heart. This speaks volumes and I can only whisper for it to be quiet but it only pounds in my ears.

Rain falls soft sweet just like your kisses. Magic. All just like a dream. Memories of another time when my life was so different and I only just wanted one more day. Knowing this feeling and knowing I can continue on my path better for knowing better for feeling better for loving.

Yet only wanting to freeze to stop time and at the same time to hurry time along to either distance or know the unknowing and  yet not wanting to know either way.

An inner struggle yet feeling peaceful. Knowing that I must sit with my thoughts that I must feel this that I must be present in all around me that I am awake and alive a feeling for a reason that I must prevail and conquer what is before me.in the middle

I am not worried, this is what is strange, I am calm at peace even without knowing it is like I know. And maybe whatever it is I know benefits me either path either way.

Strange to have all these realizations, strange to be able to accept all around me strange to be living an interesting life, when I only at times feel plain and like plainness. It is hard and yet it is easy because it makes sense. It is like a death anda rebirth all in one. I know many will not understand will not know how it feels.

It is like football when you get a really good hit.football 5

Leona Lewis sang it best “you cut me open and I keep bleeding keep bleeding love.”

Which direction which path, maybe like Robert Frost I take the one less traveled. I follow my dream my inspirations my wishes and most of all my heart. It is hard to jump and allow that to happen and yet I am a better person to myself for allowing myself to feel and be. I am strong and yet feel so weak.

My heart swells, the sun still rises and I will continue to feel. heightened awareness of feelings. Wishing sometimes that I am not aware yet glad I am able to see and experience.

I long for the mountains to see the scenery to inhale the fresh pine air. To see the view look out at the sunset and share it with another relinquish in it all.

WHAT TO SAY

Not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to do or which way. Forward onward upward. Each thing has a meaning each experience touches the heart. Yet, why, what does it all say or mean or how? I don’t know what to say. I only know how to feel to experience to love and to be. I only know how to be real.

I don’t know what to say. I breath you in I see clearly, I hold you close I feel you, I know you, I see you touch, you and yet I don’t know what to say.

I love you

Will it every be enough could it every be enough. Enough is only just a moment a place a time two hearts one dream. I still don’t know what to say. I only experience it all, let it touch my soul feel me up.

Breath

If only I knew what to say. Yet, does it really make a difference in the scheme of things. My heart swells it hits me hard I smile and yet I still don’t know what to say. I look,   You see. It is unspoken the passion before me.

Silence

I still don’t know what to say. Eyes wide only wanting to collide to feel you to know I feel this to just

Feel.

To let me body be with yours

Alive

All to just know to let my heart have a moment a turn to just

Rejoice.

Waves crash upon the shore they can not be controled tamed or stopped. The wind blows and the trees move they can’t be stopped. I don’t know what to say. I only know how to show how to

Touch.

To collide with you to feel

Real

With this I feel real in a cloud but so grounded

Floored.

What do I say.

Simply supple sweet, breathing it all in, it whirls around me and I stand motionless and I just don’t know what to say. It is magic, it is whole it is just simply

YOU.

 

Birthday picture

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. (Richard Bach)

 

     When I was growing up I think I may have doubted this phrase, but as I have gotten older I realize there is so much truth in this. My friend told me once, that you can not pick your family but, you can create one with people you are close too. In this phrase the “true family” that is mentioned represents to me the friends that have become my family over the years. Currently I have a sister that I hardly talk to but have developed such a great friendship with one of my good friends that she has become like a sister to me. I do not feel the void of my blood sister because it has been replaced by all my friends that I now consider as sisters. I believe that for the most part, families have to love each other because they are related. With friends this is different; friends choose to love one another. Families may demand respect from each other, where as, friends earn your trust and respect. Friends can bring a lot of joy in your life and can become part of your family with earning your trust and respect.

     In being gay I have noticed that I have been rejected more by my own family then with friends. I think within the gay culture we naturally accept one another, knowing we all have a story of what made us who we are, and that someone in our families is always resentful of us. I think that this helps to establish bonds within a group. My neighbors across the street are gay, and when my girlfriend and I go to visit we always refer to ourselves as family. I think this is because of the trust we have with one another and also the knowledge that all of us have had a hard to getting to where we are today. True friendships can create a strong bond that includes your friends as family. I do not see that all families are friends.

     I know my family that I was born into will always be my God given family but that this does not mean I can not add to my family. Currently my uncle is more a father to me then my own father. I feel lucky that even though I was not given the ideal father in my eyes that I am lucky enough to have an uncle that fills the rule. I believe that many people consider non blood relatives as family and that as the phrase states; you just need respect and joy in each other’s life to truly be a family.

me taking a break at a game

If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun. Katharine Hepburn.

     This quote to me means, that rules are meant to be broken. I am not sure that I have really lived by this. I guess that I would say I am not necessarily a rule breaker but I also do not let rules stand in my way. I like to enjoy life as a journey and not a conquest. This means that I will go with the flow and not try to live too confined in a box. I am a true believer of do now, and beg forgiveness later. I live by this because I would feel too guilty to do something if I had asked and was told no. I figure that my conscious is clear if I just do not know any better and can just beg for the forgiveness after the fact.

     A rule that I have broken is going to bars when I was 19 drinking with some of my friends that were of age. I was responsible though to have a designated driver and I would know my limit. I never really was rebellious when I was younger I think I became more rebellious after I had moved out of the house. Freedom to do my own thing finally set in when I had moved out of my house and livid about an hour from my parents. Being in a different town then my immediate family gave me that freedom to be me and not feel like I was being watched.

     Both my parents are teachers so, growing up I always felt if I did anything wrong someone would let them know, most of the time this was true. They always seemed to find out anything I did. I feel as I have gotten older that I have realized that life is meant to be livid. This to me means taking risks and enjoying life. I enjoy life by not staying inside the lines and not conforming to what everyone may want me to be, but by being true to myself. I think you have to be flexible in life and to be able to this, at times you may have to break the rules. 

     I think part of coming into one’s own is experiencing many situations, meeting different people and once again taking risks. Breaking the rules to me can also mean breaking the rules that one may have made for them-selves. To have a little fun you have to step out of the normal shell you have created for yourself, breaking your current mold and recreating a new one. So I would tell anyone to go ahead break a few rules and see how fun it could be. I would caution though, that breaking the law however might be fun at the time but could give you more trouble then fun.

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therein to be content, (Helen Keller)

 

     I believe this to be so true. This statement to me means, one should create their own happiness no matter what the situation. I have been in a situation before when I was not very happy and I decided that instead of being unhappy I would make the best of it. I play women’s tackle football and was fortunate enough to start my first two seasons. When season three came I found myself often standing on the sidelines because I had started playing a new position and was not at the skill level of the others in that position. I was bummed having to go to practice to just stand around and watch others play, make mistakes, and learn. Then I read a book that stated the person that stands on the sidelines is one of the most important people on the field because they rally the rest of the team. I then decided to make the best of my time on the side lines to cheer on my teammates and learn from their mistakes. I would watch them run the drills and watch when they were corrected. I began to watch other positions too. I learned so much that year, by staying positive and being content in the situation before me. I feel years later that this has helped me grow as a player on and off the field. Other players would come up to me as while and tell me that I had inspired them. I met one of my best friends that season as she stood next to me on the side lines and also rarely played. I feel that if I had not taken a poor situation and made the best of it I would have missed the opportunity to grow and I would have missed the chance to get to know one of my best friends.

     I find in life when sometimes you are handed bad cards you have to get creative and make them work for you change them to create your happiness. I have had other times in my life that were pretty down but I have used them as learning lessons to aid me in my journey. After all I feel our happiness comes from what we make of it. To be able to grow you must learn and I feel that you also must create goodness around you if you want to be able to find peace in the silence.

 

The rest of you can go to Hell. I’m going to Texas. (David Crockett)

 

     This phrase is really funny to me because the humidity in Texas can be Hell. I take a shower and dry off. After I get dressed the next thing I notice is my head is sopping wet again from sweat due to the humidity. The other thing I have noticed, after living here for only two years, is the horrible air quality in the morning. It smells of unrefined oil and smog. I am used to waking up to fresh chilly mountain air.

     I do have to say that I was able to find a better job in Texas then in California. I think this is because there are so many overly qualified people in California competing for the same job. I was also able to buy my truck her for a lot cheaper. Housing is definitely cheaper in Texas then California. Prices for a four bedroom house in a not so good neighborhood in California would sell around 500,000. Texas has a much better cost of living when it comes to housing and gas alone. When the gas prices were over four dollars here, they were almost over five dollars in California. Food wise, California has way better produce because they grow most of it themselves and do not have to import from Mexico.

     I am not sure why Davey Crocket would choose Texas over another state. Maybe he just wanted to keep traveling and others in his party wanted to stay put. Texas is still very big and appears to me as still sparsely settled. I know that it takes along time dive any where and that just to go to one side of Houston to the other can take over an hour. I guess, I wouldn’t say that it was a complete Hell hole. Many people in Texas are very nice and I have made a lot of friends here. Northern Californians can be nice but if you are in the city they are always rushing. Like I have written before, it would be nice to have more trees and mountains in Texas. I could use a cold day every once in awhile. I could use some fresh air. Yet, for now I reside in the smelly humid place and I do not mind it too badly. Like, David Crocket I guess I can say, everyone else can reside where ever, but currently I will stay in humid smelly Texas.